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Takesy, please forgive me

OK, I never thought this would happen. Paul read my journal. And I kind of wish he hadn't, because there was something I wrote earlier about him that wasn't very nice. It was, frankly, psychopathic. I'm amazed he didn't block me on MSN or send me hate mail, but he's above that. Anyway, this entry is for him.
Please don't hold my journal against me. When I wrote that comment, I had split with Owen. I had contemplated suicide and it was only Rob that saved me. I'd also had a terrible outbreak of self-harming and to top it off, I was frightened I was pregnant (you remember this, I called you about it). I missed Owen so much that seeing you and Jilly together made me as jealous as hell, because I wanted that too, and I couldn't have it, the love of another, because the man I loved had left me. Don't take it personally. All couples made me feel like that.
I do not want to hurt you. I have moved on from Owen now. I'm happier and more stable. I do still cut myself, but it's an addiction, and I'm trying to control it.
I like you a lot and you know that. Not in that way. As a friend. You've supported me so many times when I was down. I only wish I could have done the same for you. I miss you a lot. You were one of the few people in the year I really liked. I know you probably hate me and think I'm a shallow idiot. I know I am. I cannot talk to you, ever, without turning into a guttermouth or an idiot. I don't know why it is. Shit happens.
Please don't hate me. I don't want to be hated for a stupid comment I wrote. I'm happier now and I feel no animosity towards you.
Forgive me.
Lotte x