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Mar. 3rd, 2004

I went to see 4:48 Psychosis because Clare was in it, and I wish I hadn't. It was nearly an hour of hell. It brought back a lot of bad memories. The cutting. The suicide attempt. The plans. Owen, Pete, Rob. Dad dying. Mum's nervous breakdown. The arguments with Jack. The bullying. The loneliness. The constant self-loathing. The bulimia. The frustration about being autistic, but not autistic enough.
I remember this quote from the Owen days: "The worst of it is, Owen is so nice I still want to be friends with him. When I asked him if he was going to erase me from his life, he said he wasn't and that he still wanted to be friends. He does like me, just not in that way." Fucking bullshit. He hates me. I politely asked him how his slot was, and he didn't text back. DON'T TELL ME TO GET OVER IT! How can I get over Owen when I see him ALL THE FUCKING TIME?
I just can't control myself. I feel like I'm going to explode.
This is why I want to do so much union stuff. I want to keep my mind away from myself, stop myself from wanting to play with knives. Which I've been doing today. I got some kind of strange kick out of seeing the sight of my own blood. Ugh. God I hate talking about this. I'll get messages of sympathy now...or messages telling me to shut up. Every time I tell Paul I think he's going to tell me to shut up, stop feeling sorry for myself, think of the poor families separated and destroyed by war and oppressive regimes. Fuck you, Takesy, you think I don't know that? I read Socialist Worker. I campaign for Oxfam. BUT IT DOESN'T STOP ME FROM FEELING DOWN. I mention Paul because he has a girlfriend and he'll be shoving it in my face and crowing over me like he always fucking does. As will Steve. Why do men feel having a girlfriend - because I've not seen a gay man do this - makes them superior to everyone? And why do I care?
Why am I depressed? Why? Why do I feel like this when I've got a family that loves me, money, food on the table, a home, a degree? When I'm not at war? Why?