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Flat 33 soap opera and my 'Nam movie

Babes and Bastards - The Interactive Soap Opera

Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!

It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and Duncan cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.

You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...

Duncan: No! No...I can't.

You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...

Duncan: It's just...just that...I feel bad.

You: You're worried about Tori aren't you?

Duncan: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Tori has a problem -

You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Tori has been addicted to the Gamecube for years!

Duncan: I think that you should leave...

You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Tori anymore.

Meanwhile, across town in the the Gamecube rehabilitation clinic...

Russ: Okay Tori I think you're ready to face the outside world again.

Tori: Really? I'm...I'm cured?

Russ: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by the Gamecube just look the other way. Good luck.

Tori looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears Joe carrying a bundle of cash.Joe hands it over to Russ and they shake hands.

Joe: Thankyou SO much, I am so greatful.

Russ: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Tori's recovery so soon?

Joe looks uncomfortable and frowns.

Russ: Well?

Joe: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Tori has been in here Lotte and Duncan have been getting really close...TOO close.

Russ: And?

Joe: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Lotte.

Meanwhile, Ange groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Ange was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.

Doctor: Ange I'm sorry but the news isn't good...

Ange: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.

Doctor: You are suffering very badly from necrophilia. You probably have a few days to live at most.

Ange: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?

Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.

Ange: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.

Ange rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Russ sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written the Gamecube and below it an image of what the word represents...

Russ: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Tori to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Tori to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Lotte...mwa-ha-ha.

Russ walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to Duncan and Tori's house.

Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find Joe waiting at your door.

Joe: Hey...

You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?

Joe: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some garlic bread off each other...

You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -

Joe: Tori was released from rehab today.

You: Oh?

Joe:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on Duncan...but I'm here so...

You: Eat garlic bread off each other did you say?

Joe: Oh yeah.

You: Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, Ange pulls into Duncan's driveway and rushes to the door.

Ange: Duncan please come out, I really need to speak to you!

Duncan: Ange is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...

Ange: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with necrophilia.

Duncan:Oh my God... Ange I'm sorry...does Lotte know?

Ange: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...

Duncan: Yes?

Ange: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you Duncan.

Duncan: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...

Meanwhile, Tori slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to the Gamecube, ready to surprise Duncan. As Tori passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Tori's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of Duncan and Ange talking at the front door. This sends Tori into a fit of jealous rage...

But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Russ who is sitting down watching some quality television.

Russ: Ahh that's good stuff...

There is a knock at the door.

Russ: Who is it?

Voice: Open up, it's the police!

Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...

You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...

Joe: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...

Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to Duncan and Tori's house...

Ange: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!

Tori: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!

Duncan: Tori what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?

Tori: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Ange here.

Duncan: No! Please, Ange's dying!

Tori: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!

And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...no actually that was terrible there probably won't be anymore...of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and Bastards!

The scene opens in a barracks, a line of men and women (this is an alternative 'Nam) standing in front of their bunks. Drill sergeant Rob paces up and down the line before stopping in front of Lotte...

Drill Sergeant Rob: Put your head up! Suck in that gut!

Lotte: Sir, yes Sir!

Drill Sergeant Rob: What's your name maggot!?

Lotte: Sir, Lotte Sir!

Drill Sergeant Rob: Lotte? That's a pussy name! We'll call you Rodney von Chazzwozzer!

Lotte: Sir, yes Sir!

Drill Sergeant Rob leaves Lotte and moves onto the next soldier.

Lotte: Asshole.

Drill Sergeant Rob stops in his tracks, turns and marches towards Lotte.

Drill Sergeant Rob: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Lotte: Sir, nothing Sir!

Drill Sergeant Rob: Well it didn't sound like nothing to me maggot! I have no time for jokers in my beloved core! Now, run into that Vampires Lesbos Rodney von Chazzwozzer!

Lotte: Sir...

Drill Sergeant Rob: Sir what?! This is not your mummy's little house on the prarie anymore! NOW RUN INTO THAT Vampires Lesbos MAGGOT!

Lotte runs into the Vampires Lesbos as instructed and is knocked out.

Fade to black...

...Fade in.

Lotte is crouched behind a hut in the middle of the Vietnam jungle, most of their platoon has been wiped out. Only Lotte, Owen and Gina remain.

Gina: They're everwhere man! We're gonna' die man! They got the Sarge man! He's dead, everyone's dead!

Lotte: Can that shit Gina! We're gonna' get out of this alive!

Owen: I'm scared Lotte, hold me!

Lotte: This is neither the time nor the place Owen. We have to find a way out of here!

Gina: But they're everwhere man! They've got traps, and they hide in the trees man! We're fucked man! We're gonna' die here I know it!

Lotte: Right! That's it!

Lotte gets to their feet and helps Owen up.

Lotte: Are you coming Gina?

Gina: I want to wait here, wait for someone to come by!

Lotte: If you stay here you're going to die! Just like Peters!

Lotte points at a man impaled on some bamboo.

Gina: Oh God! I don't wanna' die out here man!

Lotte: Then come on!

Our heroes start walking through the trees until they come across three dead bodies.

Gina: Oh God, no! That's 3 Balls! And there's Clown! Oh jees, and look, it's Buffalo!

Lotte: Oh man...hey...what was that? Look! In the trees! CHARLIE!!!

Owen: Oh no! Lotte, hold me!

Gina: I'm not dying like Peters! Come on you Motherfuckers! Die! Die! Die!

Gina starts to shoot madly in all directions and tiny asian people start to fall out of the trees. Lotte joins in with the machinegunning. Owen starts to chase some otters.


Owen: Hello Mr otter!


Lotte: Damn, I'm out of ammo!

Gina: Me too!

Owen: Oh no! I forgot my gun!

Gina: Oh great man! That's just fucking great! There's more of them man! They're gonna' kill us man! Oh god! We're all gonna' die down here!

Suddenly there is a familiar voice.

Familiar Voice: Not if I can help it!

The three turn to see Drill Sergeant Rob.

Drill Sergeant Rob: Yes that's right, it's me!

Lotte: But how did you get here? You're a Drill Sergeant.

Drill Sergeant Rob: That's irrelevant. Here, I brought you more ammunition!

Owen runs and hugs Drill Sergeant Rob.

Owen: Oh thank you! Thank you so much! I was so scared!

Drill Sergeant Rob: Come on! The helicopter is this way!

They start towards the helicopter, all except Gina who is staring at the trees.

Lotte: Gina? Come on...

Gina: No, it finally makes sense now. I belong here, I need to rediscover myself in this harsh jungle. I've got nothing back home. Nothing to go home to, this here, this is my real home.

Lotte: But what about your partner and kids?

Gina: Tell them I died saving you Lotte.

Lotte: Okay Gina. Oh and Gina...

Gina: Yes?

Lotte: You were the best soldier I ever worked with, and, and...

Tears start to swell in Lotte's eyes.

Lotte: ...And you were my best friend too!

Gina: Take care Lotte!

Our heroes finally get to the helicopter, climb on in and fly away into the sunset.

Whatever happened to Gina we will never know...


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Dec. 23rd, 2003 07:40 pm (UTC)
hahaha the scary thing is it sounds like me as well.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )