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Yay for the Ukraine! Boo to the Brits!

Well, our song was a pile of wank. Yes, I watched Eurovision, laugh at me if you want. Here's what I thought:
- Albania (Anjeza Shahini - The Image Of You): looked a bit like Jordan with black hair, worse teeth and smaller titties. She sounded like she had stagefright, you could barely hear her until the end.
- Austria (Tie Break - Du Bist): extremely camp boy band. They were cute, but their song made me want to puke. It was in German, and I had a go at translating the lyrics. They were dire. Funnily enough, the last time I watched the whole contest was in 1999 and Austria's entry was the best - a woman called Bobbi Singer with a nice catchy acoustic song, impressive cheekbones and a bassist who looked like Meg Matthews.
- Belgium (Xandee - 1 Life): had big teeth. Heat were lying, she doesn't look like Rebecca Loos. Her song was an inoffensive dance track and she couldn't dance for shit.
- Bosnia-Herzegovina (Deen - In The Disco): the gayest of gay, literally. He looked like this very camp gay guy I met once at an LGB meeting. His track was really gay too, like something out of a bad disco.
- Croatia (Ivan Mikulic - You Are The Only One): scary man with monobrow. Boring. His song was like something out of a bad musical.
- Cyprus (Lisa Andreas - Stronger Every Minute): she was this cute little 16 year old from Kent, although to hear her sing you'd think she was older. Her song was a ballad and I hate ballads, but kudos to her for taking time out of her GCSEs to do Eurovision.
- France (Jonatan Cerrada - A Chaque Pas): Pop Idol winner. He looks a bit like a French Will Young. The only memorable thing about his performance was the scary woman wobbling around on stilts.
- Germany (Max - Can't Wait Until Tonight): earnest guy with receding hairline and very stereotypical-German-looking (ie a bit tubby with beards and big grins) backing band. Shame on the Germans, normally their entries are funny.
- Greece (Sakis Rouvas - Shake It) - he was HOT. His female dancers took their clothes off, unfortunately he didn't. His song was like Ricky Martin, but with extra bouzouki.
- Iceland (Jonsi - Heaven): grumpy-looking fella with nice cheekbones. His song was REALLY boring and unfortunately he wasn't the guy from Sigur Ros. Now that would have been interesting...
- Ireland (Chris Doran - If My World Stops Turning): utter wank. Bryan from Westlife wrote his song, need I say more?
- Macedonia (Tose Proeski - Life): looked like a cross between John Dolmayan and someone off Star Trek, as did his backing dancers. They all arsed around with chairs. The song was in some weird time signature, it was pretty good.
- Malta (Julie and Ludwig - On Again, Off Again): cheesier than Welsh rarebit. It was a bloke and a woman grinning hugely at each other and staring each other in the eye while doing a song that sounded like something Andrew Lloyd Webber would have come up with in one of his worse musicals. Had some nice operatic bits.
- Holland (Re-Union - Without You): Tori liked this lot. Two blokes, one wailing, one on guitar, and three backing singers. Nice.
- Norway (Knut Anders Sorum - High): I can't look at the guy's name without laughing. How mature. Another Pop Idol-type guy with a terrible song.
- Poland (Blue Cafe - Love Song): jazzy band with tarty singer (you could see her arse through the bondage tape) and trumpeter with huge afro. Guitarist looked like Andy Scott-Lee. Singer sounded a bit like Anastacia.
- Romania (Sanda - I Admit): song wasn't memorable, but her outfit was. She was wearing bondage gear and had ridiculously boofy hair.
- Russia (Julia Savicheva - Believe Me): looked like Avril Lavigne, and sang like her, ie offkey. She was surrounded by four topless dancers covered in body paint, which rubbed off on her arms.
- Serbia & Montenegro (Zeljko Joksimovic - Lane Moje): brought a nice rootsy touch to the contest - one of his band played the nose flute, another one played bongos and another played a lute. I think that's what it was. I coveted the gold dress his violinist was wearing. At least he didn't have some crappy disco track.
- Spain (Ramon del Castillo - Para Llenarme De Ti): I only wish I'd understood the damn song. Very Spanish, lots of trumpets and congas and wailing. You could dance around the kitchen with a spoon to this song.
- Sweden (Lena Philipson - It Hurts): their 1999 entry was this woman called Charlotte Johansson with purple streaks in her hair and a killer Abba-esque track. She was great, this one wasn't. The track still sounded like Abba, mind. And I wish Sweden had entered the Hives for Eurovision in 2002.
- Turkey (Athena - For Real): the oddest entry of all - a ska band! They all had tattoos and funny coloured hair and the singer wore tartan trousers. It made a change from all the cheese and it would have been uber-cool if they'd won. The song wasn't too bad. I'm sure it pissed off a lot of purists. Ha!
- UK (James Fox - Hold On To Our Love): rubbish. Why do we have to have Pop Idol/Fame Academy rejects to represent us? They all suck, apart from Darius and his ridiculous pretentiousness.
- Ukraine (Ruslana - Wild Dances): she won, thank god. Her song was really OTT and funny, she had a load of dancers dressed like cavemen who pretended to whip her. Terry Wogan said "Here come the Goths!"
I went to Jilly's after. Emma, Andy, Hazel, Dave Junior and Matthew were all there. It was ok, Emma blagged some wine off someone.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
rusk
May. 16th, 2004 01:30 pm (UTC)
Haha, Eurovision is so bad, but in a good way. I didn't watch, but after your review of the greek guy, I had to look for pics, mainly because I'm a bored homo pervert. Yep, he's pretty hot, and there are shirtless pics around :o
kankurette
May. 16th, 2004 02:22 pm (UTC)
Did you think the Bosnia Herzegovina guy was hot?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )